If there is one thing I like more than food; its fried food! Every year I cant wait to get my grubby little hands on the wide array of gut bombs from the State Fair of Texas. Naturally, this year was no exception and although I should have been practicing veganism for at least a month leading up to my adventure, I decided to go out drinking. Just perfect. As if my body wasn’t going to hate me already.
The ONLY time I will have meat on a stick is this time of year. It would be a cardinal fair food sin if the day didn’t start with a corn dog from Fletcher’s. Since last year I fucked up and got the first corn dog I could, I had to seriously plan my Fletcher’s attack this year. I’ve gotta say…it was just ‘aight. For all the fuss that people ‘in the know’ around town make over these I was expecting something amazing. I honestly couldn’t tell the difference between this corn dog and the ones from the frozen aisle from Walmart.
Luckily, I spotted the deep-fried cookie dough at the booth next to Fletchers and bolted over there in an order to salvage my taste buds. Three huge balls of nothing other than one of my favorite treats off all time. Glorious! The batter was perfect and the dough is chocolate chip just like mom used to make. Hershey’s syrup and powdered sugar top these puppies off. They are so rich you can only eat one-ok, that’s a lie. I could have eaten them all but I knew the havoc I was about to put my body through so I decided sampling just one would have to do.
After the sugar rush it was clearly time for a savory treat. I made a beeline for my favorite heart stopper from last year; the deep-fried Frito pie. Chili and cheese sandwiched between two delicious corn chips and then deep-fried. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong here? Not.A.Damn.Thing. These aren’t too rich and work as a good, um, appetizer while on your fried food bender.
There was a brief one ride intermission at this point. Bad idea. Back to the fried food! Naturally, I had worked up quite the appetite waiting in like for 3 minutes to ride the ride then spinning upside down for 5 minutes straight. We spotted the deep-fried salsa, a new addition to the state fair this year. You all know I love me some tacos, ergo I love chips and salsa so I was pumped to try this sucker out. As the wisest woman of all, Nicki Minaj, once said: eaw. This was like a deep-fried ball of Grandpa’s asshole. If you are going to make a tortilla chip crust, make sure they don’t taste like you got the chips out of the $1 bin…6 years ago. In other news, I’m not sure if anybody else realizes but this is TEXAS and we know our Mexican food…or so I thought. Making a big fuss over deep-fried salsa would be great if the salsa you were frying was actually good. Dripping in my disgusting guilty pleasure delicious queso was the only redeeming quality of this nightmare.
Next, it was over to the deep-fried biscuits and gravy tent. I wasn’t too excited for this one considering I don’t even eat biscuits and gravy when they arent fried but if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times, I love anything fried so of course I gave it a shot. HOLY BALLS…of dough! Not only was this thing the size of a baseball but it was outstanding. The fried biscuit part was fluffy like the best ones in town and fried to perfection. I was worried the gravy would explode and that there would be way too much of it but alas, the geniuses behind this creation knew better. Not only did we devour this in half a second but we actually ordered another one. Ya…I said it. Ok-this wins as my favorite fried treat from the fair this year! Five fried items down, why stop now? It was definitely time for something sweet again. I had been brain drooling over the fried PB&J that I spotted while buying my fried cookie dough balls earlier on so that was clearly going to be next on the list. Wait, did I just say the biscuits and gravy was my favorite? I lied. The fried pb&j is just insane. It’s what you wish your mom would have packed in your brown bag during elementary school. The sweet taste from the jelly, the salty from the fried crust as well as the smooth nutty flavor from the peanut butter makes for quite possibly the most delicious thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. Unfortunately for me, I had already eaten my body weight in grease so I couldn’t devour this like I wanted to.
Last but not least, the deep-fried pizza. I’m pretty sure it would be against the rules to not order this seeing as it happened to be at the same tent as my fried pb&j heaven. Ok fine, we ordered two. Don’t judge me-we had tickets! Unfortunately, this wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. It was more like thin bread with Kraft parmesan sprinkled between each layer then fried and dumped with generic tomato sauce. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. With so many delicious things to try at the Texas State Fair, don’t worry about waiting in the insanely long lines for the pizza. Winner(s): Fried PB&J and Fried Biscuits and Gravy Loser: Fried anus Salsa.